Under the Knife

[realthog]

 
On Tuesday I'm to have an angiogram/cardiac catheterization. As far as I can gather -- me, the ever-courageous male an' all -- this involves ripping apart my groin with a chain saw and then jackhammering a probe about the size of a rolling pin up through my circulatory system, shredding soft tissue as it goes, until it can take a photograph of my heart. Pam says it's a tad less traumatic than this, but then it's not her groin. All this so my cardiologist has something he can post on Facebook.

I don't imagine I'll be merrily hopping astride a stolen Harley to get home from the hospital. Indeed, it may well be that I require a year or two of convalescence, not to mention extensive counselling; I plan to take plenty of books with me. Assuming I actually make it home on Tuesday -- as all these Other, Totally Unsympathetic People say I should -- well, I expect major-league tributes to my general all-fired heroism and traditional British pluck.

(Hm. The last time I had my groin ripped apart must have been the early '70s or so. But apparently my insurance company refuses to cover cold ravioli and live marmosets.)

(What I'm really, really hoping to be able to do is get to the book party whose details you can find at http://al-zorra.livejournal.com/305706.html.)

 

Comments

[charlesatan.livejournal.com]

Good luck and hopefully nothing goes wrong with the surgery.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"hopefully nothing goes wrong with the surgery"

Cheery bugger, aren't you, Charles? Here we're not using the word "wrong" very much.

[nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com]

Good luck. I'll be rootin' for ya!

[realthog.livejournal.com]

I'll be rootin' for ya!

I'd suggest that's an inappropriately chosen verb, Mr Kaufmann.

[sarcobatus.livejournal.com]

I was wondering why the silence for the last few days or so. Now I know. You have my sympathies.

Good luck with the surgery, Paul. I know this isn't an easy venture, been through major surgery my own darn self. But as ornery as you are, I'm more worried for the surgeon. Shouldn't someone warn him or something?

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"I was wondering why the silence for the last few days or so."

Um, no, J -- that's just because I've been idle.

But thanks for the kind thoughts -- and please don't worry! I'm just laughing at myself about my reaction to what is in truth a fairly minor procedure. (Well, the fuckers would say that, wouldn't they?)

[quietselkie.livejournal.com]

Eep. Best wishes.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

I imagine I'll be saying "Eep!" quite a lot Tuesday, but I've sworn Pam to silence on the subject. As far as I can gather, her role is to hang around in the hospital canteen afterwards having coffee and a good laugh with lots of people in blood-spattered aprons.

She sees it rather differently.

[ogre-san.livejournal.com]

Wishing you good luck and quick recovery.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Many thanks! But I'm going to milk this for all it's worth . . .

[jmward14.livejournal.com]

Sending my best medical juju and lots of healing hugs. Hope the procedure goes flawlessly and produces as little discomfort as possible. Not that I expect you to stop, er, milking the situation. Much love, Jean Marie

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"Not that I expect you to stop, er, milking the situation."

I knew there'd be a rude person who'd pick up on the terminology, and if I'd thought for about a picosecond longer I'd have guessed correctly who it would be . . .

[hutch0.livejournal.com]

Jesus. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed, Obi-Wan. Can I have your Harley if things go wrong?

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"Can I have your Harley if things go wrong?"

That's not what I'll be giving away if worse comes to worst.

[pgtremblay.livejournal.com]

Be as well as you can!

[realthog.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna try. Hell, I'm gonna try. They can attempt to mollify my perfectly justifiably riotous neuroses by calling it a routine procedure as much as they like, as if it were no worse than having a cold thermometer thrust up . . . well, let's not go there . . . but I know better . . .

[scottedelman.livejournal.com]

Your groin will be in my thoughts tomorrow ...

(Hmmm ... that doesn't sound quite right!)

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"(Hmmm ... that doesn't sound quite right!)"

That's because it's the day after tomorrow you should be aiming for!

[sarcobatus.livejournal.com]

You're such a writer!

Think of this as another one of life's experiences you can incorporate into a horror story...hee hee. Definitely watch.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"you can incorporate into a horror story"

That makes me feel lots better!

[lilithsaintcrow.livejournal.com]

Dear God.

What happened to the marmosets?

Oh, and erm, my condolences. It sounds a trifle unpleasant.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

What happened to the marmosets?

Good Lord, woman -- you mean you have to ask?

Under the Knife

[randeroo.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the groin-puncture club, guv. Shouldn't hurt a bit. (No, really.) All I remember about mine was playing trivia with the nurses during the procedure (much to the doctor's eventual annoyance, although he did answer a few of the questions himself at the outset) and being told I didn't need angioplasty. With your curiosity with most things science, you'll probably be fascinated watching the screen as the catheter wends its way up through your blood pipes (think Fantastic Voyage, except instead of a submarine, it's the NYC subway system) and the doctor guides you through the tour. You'll find it neat to be able to ask questions as the procedure proceeds. See, I didn't give a rat's ass about the procedure; let 'em do what they gotta do was what I was thinking. I think my lack of intellectual curiosity was pissing off the doctor. That, and there was this adorable little Asian nurse who...

Re: Under the Knife

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"With your curiosity with most things science, you'll probably be fascinated watching the screen as the catheter wends its way up through your blood pipes (think Fantastic Voyage, except instead of a submarine, it's the NYC subway system) and the doctor guides you through the tour."

I have issued strict instructions that all such spectacles are to be hidden from my sight. I do not do medical exhibitions well, and most especially when they feature moi.

[nballingrud.livejournal.com]

Best wishes, Paul. Just lie back and think of the Empire.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Must I?

[louismaistros.livejournal.com]

You won't believe me, but at the age of 42 (3 years ago) I went throgh this very procedure. I have a wonky ticker, it's a genetic thing.

It's really not nearly as bad as it sounds. The worst part for me was the shaving bit at the beginning. And when the nice nurse comes in to run through the legal disclaimer review, which I found to be unnecessarily terrifying.

Here's the good part: the best drugs you've ever had. They want you awake, but not completely. They put you in what they call "twilight" so they can ask you questions and so forth. You hardly feel the thing going in, and once it's in you can't feel it at all. Then the fun begins. You get to watch live video (black and white, unfortunately) of the inside of your heart, while they shoot a type of dye in there to see if there's any blockage (this is quite trippy and weirdly unthreatening due to the drugs). If there is sign of blockage, they can shunt it all at the same time (so you won't have to do this twice), but hopefully that won't be necessary. It wasn't for me. In my case, they couldn't really pinpoint the problem, but since I've been taking blood pressure medicine the symptoms have pretty much disappeared.

Out of all of the "invasive" procedures I've been subjected to, this one was probably the least unpleasant. You'll be sore "down there" for a while after, but not for long.

However, if anyone says the word "endoscopy" in your general direction I suggest you run for the hills.

I was nervous about this too, so I understand that you are, but believe me, the catheterization procedure itself is not nearly as bad as it sounds. (whereas the endoscopy is much worse than it sounds! I won't lie about these things.)

Good luck, my friend.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

My RL pal Randy went through the procedure at about the same time you did -- i.e., a few years ago -- and likewise tells me there's nothing to worry about. This the rational part of my brain completely understands. But I'm to medical procedures as some people are to spiders -- at least, to certain kinds of medical procedures: tell me I'm going to be put under so I can be sliced open, and I'm fine; give me an injection or take a simple blood sample, and I'll ask to lie down while it's being done. It's purely psychological and at a purely irrational level.

[(Anonymous)]

Good luck, Nunx. We'll be thinking of you.

Zoe

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Peskette!

[scottakennedy.livejournal.com]

Good luck with this!

P.S. Do you mind posting the link to your cardiologist's Facebook page?

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"Do you mind posting the link to your cardiologist's Facebook page?"

Apparently it's friends-only.

[plattcave.livejournal.com]

eeeeyikes! Good luck and quick healing!

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Thanks, John!

[thisplacehere.livejournal.com]

Best of luck for tomorrow, Paul. And for the day after...

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Thanks, David!

[itsallmishegoss.livejournal.com]

Good luck and a speedy recovery! Don't forget to cause trouble while your in there.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the good wishes! Unfortunately, Pam's going to be there so I'm going to have to curb the natural troublemaking instincts.

[quilterbear.livejournal.com]

My firend, I will be thinking of you throughout Tuesday, and yes, Wednesday too. I am very much like you in that I despise medical procedures. Thus, you can understand my tortured life since I have had many surgeries and many, many procedures! I can understand your anxiety, but you will be ever so grateful when the anesthesiologist gives you that great drug that will take away alllllll your worries and cares!

You're in my prayers and thoughts. You've got a lot of people here who care about you, and we'll all be waiting for the good report. So don't be idle! post when you can, dang it!

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind wishes, K!

"you will be ever so grateful when the anesthesiologist gives you that great drug that will take away alllllll your worries and cares"

In fact, they do it under just a local. A main job of mine is going to be to get the medical staff to desist from their enthusiastic suggestions I watch my own innards on a tv screen.

[quilterbear.livejournal.com]

By the way, the book party link is inaccessible to such peons as me. Must be friends only. Sigh.

[realthog.livejournal.com]

"Must be friends only."

Oh, you're right -- I hadn't spotted this. The party's in NYC to celebrate Ned Sublette's book The World that Made New Orleans.

[al-zorra.livejournal.com]

I hope all went well today and that you are comfortable, or as comfortable as may be.

Love, C.

[sarcobatus.livejournal.com]

As soon as you can get your funky bad self on the computer again, let us know how you are doing, Paul -- okay?

Hope all is well and you're back home, recovering nicely!

[realthog.livejournal.com]

Just home. All well. More tomorrow.

Love - P.